God & ManYou want to fall in love again. You want to open, to trust, to let someone in. But you’re holding back. You’re keeping people at arm’s length. You’re pushing away anything that closely resembles affection because you don’t want to take the risk. You’ve shied away from relationships, from connections, from anything deep…
Twenty20 / @crieneShe’s not going to listen to you when you call her after it’s been years since you left. She’s not going to text you back or leave you a tearful voicemail. She isn’t going to beg for you now. At least, not anymore. You see, when you left her, you took a piece…
You’ll say this is dramatic.
You’ll say I’m emotional.
You pride yourself on your ability to be logical but it seems as though the tables have turned.
I’m not sure yet if I want you to find this post..maybe if you do I’ll just call it a happy accident.
You held my heart in your hands and I trusted you with it. I trusted you not to break it or drop it, or to let it stop beating. In one swift motion you did all three.
The three words never left either of our lips but that’s not because I didn’t want them to. We were waiting. We thought if we ever broke up it would make things easier… it’s almost comical how wrong we were.
When you walk into the room my heart gets tight, my breath catches in my throat, and I have to drag my eyes away from you.
You may have hurt me more than I thought any one person ever could, but for some reason that doesn’t make me love you less.
When I look at you I see the last two years of memories flash through your eyes. I picture you driving me in your car with the windows down, your hat on backwards, screaming our song at the top of your lungs.
When I drive by the exit your house it off of I imagine the twists and turns I used to drive to get to your house and the summer days I spent by your pool.
Above all I worry about you. I worry what you do in your free time. I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. I question why you did it and if you still stand by your decision.
I wonder if you are as lost and confused as I am.
You were my other half. My partner in crime. My best friend. And you broke my heart.
I lay awake at night wondering if you know what you’ve done to me. That you’re all I think about, all I worry about, all I cry about.
It’s crazy to me that I’ve given you this much power over me. That even once you’ve removed yourself from my life I still care about you this much even when you clearly told me you didn’t care about me enough to stay.
All you had to do was stay.
All I did was care about you.
What’s so wrong about that?
Apparently more than I thought.
- You’re not just broken up with them, you’re broken up with their family and their pets. And you can’t explain to pets that you’ll never see them again.
- Everything reminds you of them. A song that comes on at the gym, a phrase someone absentmindedly says, the smell of a certain food, a TV show or movie, certain outfits, the list goes on and on…
- Your phone is suddenly silent. The person you used to be able to text 24/7 is no longer available to you. The first time something awesome, or funny happens you can’t tell them.
- You no longer have weekend plans.
- Social Media. They’re always there, and the urge to cyberstalk is almost too much to handle. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat. They’re everywhere.
- You have to put away their things you’ve had on display for who knows how long. That picture frame on your desk, the cards from various holidays, the cheesy stuffed animals, all have to go in a box.
- You have to find new jewelry to wear because most of your everyday jewelry was from them.
- It’s impossible not to think about them. You wonder how their day is going, what they’re doing right now, if they’re thinking about you… You just can’t help it.
- You just have to accept that sometimes there’s nothing you can do but try to move on, and even though that feels nearly impossible, it will eventually happen, and it will be okay.
- Don’t feel like you need to go out and find a party to have fun. Contrary to popular belief, it is actually okay to stay in! You can have just as much fun, maybe even more just staying in and getting to know your roommates!
- Go the events even if you go alone. If a club you’re interested in is having an event go to it, even if you roommate doesn’t want to go with you. Chances are everyone will be welcoming, and you might even make some new friends!
- That being said though, don’t eat alone. We all know that feeling, walking into a dining hall or cafeteria and not knowing anyone, and wondering where you’re going to sit. Just find two people, or someone else sitting alone, and ask if you can join them! The chances of them saying no is almost slim to none, so just go for it!
- Wear comfortable shoes. Alright girls listen up, no matter how cute your shoes are, after walking around campus for a few hours it won’t matter how cute they are if they’re not comfortable. Comfy and cute does exist, you’ve just gotta look!
- Print out your syllabuses. I was told so many times that college isn’t like high school and teachers expect you to be prepared, and even over prepared for class, but apparently this even applies on the first day to school. If your syllabuses are available to you before classes start, and you want a hard copy, print them out because your teachers will not give them to you. (Learned this one the hard way)
- Make your bed. This may not seem important but, the first time you want to bring some of your new friends to see your room, or your roommates parents stop by, you will be glad you did. And it just feels nice to get into a make bed at night!
- Keep your room tidy. Your dorm is already a tiny space and having it messy will only make it feel smaller. And see #6.
- Don’t be afraid to go home. People might try to tell you this is not a good idea, that you need to stay on campus and get used to life there, but I can say from experience it’s not the end of the world to go home. After a long week of meeting new people, eating new food, getting used to having roommates, it’s nice just to go home and be able to relax for a bit. While you’re there let your parents ask you questions, talk your ear off, make you food, and take you shopping because It will mean just as much to them as it does to you.
Good luck to anyone starting classes this week! It’s not a scary as it sounds, just breathe, and enjoy the ride.
Time is a funny thing… it’s the only thing you cannot change, and once its past you cannot get it back. Being someone who likes to have control of everything possible, it drives me crazy that I cannot control time.
My current internal struggle is that I will only be a freshman in college once, and everyone I know made it a point to tell me this. They think they are being encouraging by saying “soak up every minute of it” “enjoy it while you can” “It’ll be over before you know it” when really i am fully aware of all these things, and all they are doing is stressing me out. I know without being reminded that I am at a point in my life where the things that are happening will never happen again. Every opportunity and experience that is placed before me has an expiration date. Every moment I spend sitting in my dorm is a moment I will never get back. Every event I skip is an event I will never get the chance to experience again. While I know this is not at all a new fact, it is something that has hit me hard these past few days. On one hand I want to meet new people and go do fun things at any opportunity I get, but on the other hand this gets tiresome and sometimes I just want to be alone (which is a topic for another post considering I have a roommate), but whenever my alone time begins I start thinking of a million things I could be doing, and a million things I might be missing out on.
I am the ripe old age of 18, which means I have been alive for 6,570 days. How many of those days have I wasted? How many memories have I missed out on making? There are only 75 days in my first semester of college when you think about it that is not a lot… I have a feeling that the first time I blink it will be over but I came upon this quote a few days ago that read,
“Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away.” –Marcus Aurelius
And I think it presents and interesting idea. Most quotes I read or hear say “Seize the day!” “You only live once, so don’t waste your life!” or something to that extent, and while that is true, the fact that time is always moving cannot be forgotten. If you miss one opportunity there will always be another to follow it. You shouldn’t feel guilty about staying in for the night because chances are there will be something equally as fun going on tomorrow night. My new goal for my first semester is to have fun, enjoy it, attend events, meet new people, and to not get wrapped up in the fear of missing out.